If I Can't Smoke And Swear, I'm Fucked
Ricky presents his case.


May 4, 2003




Mike Clattenburg

Barrie Dunn

Michael Volpe


Mike Clattenburg

John Paul Tremblay

Robb Wells

Jackie Torrens


Ricky (Robb Wells)

Julian (John Paul Tremblay)

Bubbles (Mike Smith)

Jim Lahey (John Dunsworth)

Randy (Patrick Roach)

Lucy (Lucy Decoutere)

Sarah (Sarah Dunsworth)

J-Roc (Jonathan Torrens) (credit only)

Ray (Barrie Dunn) (credit only)

Cory (Cory Bowles)

Trevor (Michael Jackson)

Trinity (Jeanna Harrison)

Barb Lahey (Shelley Thompson) (credit only)

T (Tyrone Parsons)

Guest Stars

Prosecutor (Jeremy Akerman)

Judge (Jennifer Overton)

Driver (Cecil Wright)


While operating an illegal gas station in the park, the boys find themselves in front of a judge and Ricky handling their defense.

Plot Synopsis Edit

Teaser Edit

Trinity finds Ricky asleep and wakes him to share a nicotine patch. They agree to split the last one between them and go to the store for more. Ricky lets her start the car but it is out of gas. To refill it, Ricky siphons gas from Lahey's car. Julian finds him Ricky the siphon and warns him, but Ricky says gas theft is not a jail-able offense.

Act One Edit

Ricky reminisces about jail, then hints at the plan Julian has in the works. Soon after, Julian calls the gang together and fills them in. He explains that instead of doing very large risky crimes with big payoffs, they want to do lots of small petty crimes instead. As a motivator, everyone involved will get 'employee benefits' -- a certain portion of their pay deducted and put toward a fund to go on a cruise at the end of the spree. The first plan is to open a gas station in the park, and he doles out assignments.

Later, Lahey and Randy try to start the car but find there is no gas in it. Lahey realizes that the tank has been siphoned. Ricky trains Cory and Trevor on how to tell different types of gas by tasting it. He sends them to the store for Julian's rum and then to siphon gas. Lucy and Sarah get in on the operation by suggesting to Julian that their hair salon can be used to to launder the gas station money. They propose to handle the station's customer order and issue salon coupons that secretly indicate how much and what type of gas they bought. Julian agrees to give them 20 percent of the proceeds.

Lahey sets up a complicated system of video cameras in order to catch the boys breaking the law. Bubbles, Ricky and Trinity try to buy patches at the corner store, but Ricky absent-mindedly puts his gun on the counter and the attendant thinks he is about to be robbed. While Ricky tries to convince him it's a misunderstanding, Trinity picks up the gun and accidentally fires it. At this point, realizing that everything is being captured on video, Ricky decides that because it look like a robbery anyway, he might as well take some things.

Act Two Edit

Arriving back at the park with stolen food and smokes, Julian finds out what happened and tells him to stop being so careless. Shortly after, the gas station receives its first customer. The operation is run very haphazardly in general, and Ricky persists in smoking while pumping gas. Trinity and Ricky have an argument because he is smoking while on the patch.

In an underground parking lot, Cory and Trevor almost get caught stealing gas, but manage to evade security forces. Business is picking up at the gas station, but Julian says it is drawing too much attention, and shuts it down for a while. Lahey and Randy find one of the salon coupons and decide to see what it's worth, with hidden video cameras in tow. But getting their hair dyed and styled by the two women is all they manage to capture on film. They decide to visit Ricky's lot instead.

Julian opens the station again and Ricky is still smoking. Lahey outfits his car with cameras and sends Randy into the field to capture video. Sarah and Lucy warn the boys that Lahey was snooping around and they should prepare a contingency plan. Cory and Trevor return with more gas but they appear to be very ill.

Randy arrives on site and asks for some gas, pretending not to care what they are up to. Lahey is spotted in the field nearby trying to film them, so the boys position Cory and Trevor at the car and on camera, making it appear as though they are the ringleaders of the operation. They are maneuvered into accept Randy's money. After Randy leaves, Ricky has a nicotine-induced dizzy spell and falls over, his lit smoke igniting a nearby gas spill and setting fire to a car in the process. The fire department is called in and everyone is arrested.

Act Three Edit

At the court hearing, the prosecuting attorney has just shown the video evidence, and says it's clear who is guilty. Ricky tells him to fuck off, and is warned by the judge to watch his language. Ricky asserts that because of his lack of education, he cannot speak without swearing and he is upset because he has not had a smoke since being arrested. He asks to be allowed to smoke and swear while presenting his defense because he cannot properly defend himself and his friends otherwise. Amazingly, the judge agrees.

Ricky tells the court that Randy and Lahey are both drunk, and then they review the video footage, pointing out Cory and Trevor accepting the money and the rest of them disavowing any knowledge of the operation. He indicates that the two of them are hooked up to oxygen tanks in the courtroom, a result of their prolonged exposure to gasoline, and then rests his case. When the judge returns from her deliberation, she finds that Trevor and Cory guilty since there is no evidence to implicate anyone else. They are sentenced them to community service and court is adjourned.

Later, the boys visit Cory and Trevor on their job site, and give them smokes and joints to thank them for taking the heat.

References Edit

Rickyisms Edit

"I'd like to make a request under the People's Choices and Voices Act to be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom."

"The first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fucking grin off his face because he's distraculating my case."

Lahey's Shit Talk Edit

"We're about to sail into a shit typhoon, Randy, so we better haul in the jib before it gets covered with shit."

Lahey's Misquotes Edit

"Video evidence is tantramar to the truth." (he means tantamount.)

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